Mike, our friend Will (AKA Holland in the Comment threads), and myself decided to do a livechat during the inaugural episode of ABC’s riveting “Shaq Vs.” reality series. We originally envisioned this as a weekly feature, but after the level of excitement involved in this one, it’s possible that we could go into joint cardiac arrest if we subject ourselves to this on a weekly basis.
One more note: as far as the identities are concerned, “Mike” is obviously Mike, “me” is, well, me (Tim), and “Peter” is Will. Don’t ask me why - that’s his choice.
I’m also going to break in periodically to explain what’s actually happening onscreen, because reading this without any explanatory notes makes very little sense.
OK, let’s begin…
Mike: yessss
Peter: oh yeah group chat
me: 3-way
Peter: i just got in
i need a beer
Mike: ok, we have to cue it up, right?
Peter: man that crowd is nuts
me: did you already start?
we paused it for your ass
this is a phenomenal start
Peter: got a beer
yeah i have to watch it live
steve is monopolizing the tv
Mike: ok, we’ll go live
Peter: you didn’t miss anything
Mike: hang on
yes, you did
me: sorry, they just said that Shaq is an athlete “out of greek mythology”
Peter: they are driving next to a car of girls
and the girls just went crazy
me: we went live
Peter: they’re just gettin’ to the crib
me: roethlisberger had to stall there cause he had to finish raping a chick
Mike: allegedly
or we get sued
and you have no $
Peter: i’m .inc
so he can’t go after me, just my corp
Mike: do you think that live strong bracelet ben has on is a PR stunt
like he gives a shit about cancer
Peter: it should be ‘live free’
me: man, roethlisberger’s been eating
his face might be the same size as shaq’s
Peter: do you think ben’s trying to see what it will be like hanging out with big black men in jail?
me: allegedly
Peter: oh he does that all the time
Mike: now shaq is saying this might be the last year he plays??
shaq’s sneakers are terrible
Peter: you’re right, B-Roth is fat
Mike: is that mario lopez [re: announcer Pat Tomasulo]
[Commercial Break No. 1]
Mike: i’m going to get a beer since i have to watch commercials because steve is monopolizing your tv
me: yeah, thanks Steve
Peter: he’s playing civilization 4 with his friend
on the tv
via pc connected to tv
Mike: wtf kind of shit is that
me: sorry, this woman on the lean cuisine commercial just claimed she “finishes a block of cheese before she even opens the crackers”
Peter: seen it before
she is insane
Mike: omg, i’m totally going to buy a nissan
me: oh shit kelsey grammer!
Mike: he changed his name to hank!
Peter: i just set dvr to ‘series record - hank’
[Back to the announcers]
Mike: i can’t believe they got that wrestler “goldberg” to do this show
awesome
me: love that these announcers have been instructed to play this entirely serious
Mike: Will do you think there’s any chance you “ran into” any of the same girls roethlisberger “dated” while he was at miami?
Peter: since i was dating Carla? [Note: not her real name. I always wanted to do that.] - zero
[An epic game of HORSE begins in Ben’s driveway]
me: why does roethlisberger live in kempton woods?
Mike: too bad you have morals and ben doesn’t
Peter: i draw the line at rape
Peter: let’s sign b-roth as a power forward
me: i can’t believe Shaq let broth dunk on him
Peter: let’s call him ‘bro’
Mike: ok, i’m good w/that
[Flashback to the press conference where Shaq announced he’d compete against Ben]
Peter: is that john kruk? [re: Ben]
me: he needs to keep someone with only one nut around to even out the testosterone levels
Mike: there are a lot of people taking notes on this shit [in the conference room]
Peter: they’re extras
me: Ben: “sitting immediately to my right, my stylist at super cuts”
Peter: oh, that’s bro
Mike: i started following favre’s daughter on twitter, by the way
just fyi
Peter: hot?
Mike: i’m thinking that if i can pull her, then maybe i’ll have found the girl who can deal with my commitment issues
my indecision
all that
me: haha
who is this putz at the podium?
Peter: rob fukuzaki [host of LA’s Sports Zone]
me: well-played, Will
Mike: i hate fukuzaki
will, quick - comment on the delfino sign and trade
Peter: sportz zone!
nice move for the bucks, ultimately worthless
cause they both suck
Mike: also, cleveland.com … on my shitlist
they are reporting on shaq vs.
[Commercial Break No. 2]
me: I can’t imagine a scenario in my life where I ask someone the question “how sick is the web-browsing?”
I just can’t
Peter: if it’s the Sidekick you can web-browse break dancers
allegedly
[A Tecate commercial comes on. Recollection of an inside joke ensues.]
Telate
Mike: you guys remember when that guy came up to me while i was at the urinal, pointed at my Tecate and said “how is that Telate…?”
and then he pointed at a poster and said “i’m taking fuckkkkkinnnngg Pacquiao?”
Peter: shaq vs Pacquiao
[Back to the show - Charlie Batch “training” Shaq]
Peter: 57 td passes for batch
career
good choice shaq
Mike: why is batch working for bro and shaq?
me: shaq dropping knowledge: “a football player is not the same as a basketball player”
take that to the bank
Mike: b-roth’s first workout of the year
coming right up
me: 12 oz curls
Peter: i’m gonna get a little sumthin in
kruk is back
me: shaq should really be wearing a browns jersey
Mike: he’s going to get a lot of hate in cleveland for this unless he pisses on that Steelers jersey
me: I think these are the same announcers as in celebrity deathmatch
oh yeah, Charissa Thompson
[Shaq now inexplicably on a field with a bunch of high school kids. Apparently he has been watching too much Brett Favre coverage.]
Mike: ben is not really friends with these kids
Peter: cleveland holla!
‘brazil, right?’
Mike: this is a scam
i thought ronald mcdonald was going to be here
me: seeing marlon brando on those visa commercials about jeans just makes me think about how roethlisberger looks like he’s on his way to a brando-like post-career eating binge
[Shaq now at a training facility doing NFL Combine drills]
Mike: when i was at the combine i did really well
i excelled at the vertical leap
i hit all of those sticks
Peter: with a stick
Mike: this is not really a good show is it?
Peter: no, kruk looks terrible
[A long period passes where the show is literally too bland for anyone to even comment. Thankfully, we are saved by Comercial Break No.3]
we are not the target audience for this commercial
me: musical theater majors?
Mike: oh cool, just learned someone i know has to go to court tomorrow via facebook
me: is it broth?
Mike: someone else is at the dodgers game
someone else posted slutty photos
someone else polished off a block of cheese
Peter: i don’t want to check mine
i blantantly asked a girl out who i barely know
via fbook
[Playtex bra commercial comes on]
oh this bra is shit
what woman wants to conceal her nipples?
me: nuns
Peter: i don’t think they wear bras
but now i want to know for sure
me: their breasts are supported by the holy spirit
Peter: do they douche with holy water?
me: wow
Mike: and my parents just disowned me
me: alegedly
Peter: oh, tell them not to tell mine about your blog
me: why?
Mike: they don’t like sports, duh
[Show returns]
Mike: shaq could be in better shape
me: man, this show is terrible
i think tomlin is in better shape than bro
Mike: what kind of gel does bro use?
me: either LA Looks or Dep
Mike: wouldn’t it be great if those axe hair gel girls came in and beat him up?
[Token Attractive Female Sideline Reporter Charyssa Thompson now in the locker room with each contestant pre-game]
Peter: don’t leave her in bro’s locker room alone!
me: look brooke hogan can take care of herself, thank you very much
Mike: it looks like they hired someone who might look like jessica simpson
Peter: would it have been so difficult to get galafianakis as an announcer?
me: i could not be less interested in who wins this compeition
Mike: just about anything would be an improvement
what the hell does this competition consist of?
i hate western pennsylvania
Peter: no idea
me: wouldn’t it be awesome if shaq just waited til bro went out on the field and then just leveled him and blew out Bro’s knee
Cleveland would love him forever
Mike: or if shaq shot him with a gun?
oh man lol
me: i feel like if he got shot broth might bleed Bisquick
Peter: the bullet would just suck into his flesh
no blood
[Commercial Break No. 4. Mike and I now noticeably slouching. Commercials briefly re-ignite our interest. Thank God we’ve got 5 more episodes of this!]
Mike: i can’t believe larry king said something positive about a movie! [Inglourios Basterds]
me: man this bulldog closes it down [In an Iams ad - yes, we’re grasping at straws]
Mike: russell simmons just said that the “mind is like a monkey” on twitter
[Cougar Town ad comes on]
i don’t believe that was actually courtney cox’s body
it’s a reverse body double situation
[Local News ad comes on]
“who killed this hollywood model?”
Peter: jesus
Mike: i hope it wasn’t you
Peter: get a life local news
me: I love that of this chat so far, less than 30% of it is about Shaq Vs
which I think pretty much sums up everything you need to know if you didnt’ watch it
Mike: Will, hang on, are you saying jesus killed the hollywood model?
Peter: no
Mike: damn
because that would have been quite a story
Peter: i know who did it
Mike: who?
(and we just got subpoened)
Peter: the wall of sound guy
me: i love that you’re a musician and you don’t even know phil spector’s name
Peter: yeah that’s the guy
[Return from commercial. The competition begins.]
Peter: this is a great competition
Mike: shouldn’t ben have felt betrayed when batch was working shaq out
me: lots of pressure on the quarterback in this game so far
Peter: batch says ‘let the play develop’ after shaq waiting 15 seconds to throw
answer: not pretty at all
me: is this the browns’ 2nd or 3rd string D?
Mike: 1st string, bro - sorry
me: I was trying to be positive
Peter: sorry i’m not writing anything, this is riveting
Mike: it really is
this makes me think we could have a tv show
i could walk around my apt and worry and it would be as good as this
me: my friend max just started a gchat with me that began “shaq vs would suck w/o tivo”
I just confirmed he was correct
Peter: how is either guy not going to score?
me: in the game or with that sideline reporter?
[Shaq throws a TD pass in the corner of the endzone from about 20 yards out]
Mike: that was a pretty good pass
Peter: it seriously was
Mike: the corner flair
me: do you think a browns QB will ever have 2TD in the same game this year?
Peter: yes
Mike: only if they’re picks going the other way
[Commercial Break No. 5]
Mike: i eat tyson chicken nuggets sometimes
oh wait
actually i eat the strips
or the links
i don’t know what they’re called
Peter: why doesn’t victoria’s secret use any suasians?
not a one
Mike: what are you talking about?
i don’t know what that refers to
Peter: olay’s got one!
me: it’s b/c victoria’s secret is actually run by your dad, Will
Peter: lol
Mike: marc stein just described the bucks as led by kurt thomas
me: that’s great
Mike: he was being facetious, i think
what the hell??
forget i said that
i don’t want to explain
tim isn’t focusing on this chat
he’s cheating on us will
Peter: abc just used the phrase ‘from the network that brought you lost’
‘and cop rock’
Mike: and ‘twin peaks’
and michael jackson is going to be buried
we’ll tell you if you’re the winner, after this commercial break!
[Shaq Vs. returns for the another thrilling possession. Choirs of angels erupt in song.]
me: I would love it if ben threw a pick to one of these high school kids
Mike: would someone fucking rush the QB??
[Shaq jumps off the sidelines, illegally picks off one of Broth’s passes, runs it into the opposing endzone.]
Peter: hilarious!
that made the whole show worth it
Mike: that was tremendous athleticism
me: oh come on, this show was way too far gone to be brought back by that
Mike: shaq’s out of breath?
me: good to see shaq is winded after that pick
Mike: uh oh
this is a bogus competition
shaq’s high school kids could just suck
me: favre is clearly the best qb when playing with HS receivers
he would demolish either of these guys in that same sweaty orange hat he’s been wearing since 2007
Mike: did ben literally dodge a bullet?
and i don’t think this is really a monumental upset
if it was a real nfl game, then yeah
me: shaq’s gotta pump some HGH into these kids
allegedly
Peter: i’m very aroused
me: ok, THAT made this whole show worth it
Mike: shaq is knocking on destiny’s door! [Note: actual announcer quote]
oh no!
Peter: pass interference
Mike: destiny answered and she is a shrew!
me: allegedly
I want charlie batch to run out of the tunnel like jeff gilolly and just destroy broth’s knee
Mike: who is jeff gilolly?
me: he’s the dude tonya harding hired to blow up nancy kerrigan’s knee
[Final possession. Shockingly Broth scores when Shaq didn’t.]
Mike: wow
it’s over
ben wins
me: that was riveting
Mike: i’m going to watch this every day for the next week
Peter: well at least now i feel like i really know who the better qb is
[Network runs an ad for next week’s episode: Shaq Vs. Misti May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in beach volleybal]
i will definitely watch this one
me: don’t you have a thing for misti may treanor, Will?
Mike: it seems like a better competition
Peter: misty may and her friend
Mike: no high school kids
Peter: and by ‘friend’ i mean her ass
Mike: on that note, the show is over, and so goes the live blog
we might be back next week, but i don’t know
Peter: i think it’s a regular feature
Mike: this may be “shaq vs. my ability to stay awake”
Til next week…maybe.
-T.
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