I didn’t think I was going to have much time to post tonight, so I tried coming up with something fairly straightforward. I was looking around on the Plain Dealer’s Browns page and decided to check out the transcript of Alpha Dog’s Thursday press conference to see if there was anything of note there.
After reading the transcript, I was left marveling at Mangini’s ability to pretend like he’s answering questions. It’s a slight variation of the Belichick school of media training. Unlike his bear hug partner, though, Mangini actually says a lot of sentences. He just chooses to make the vast majority of them completely hollow. The result is the best of both worlds: he gets to act like he’s actually being very friendly with the media, when in reality he’s just giving them the same snowjob the New England sports media is getting from his more tight-lipped mentor.
Inspired by Mangini’s performance, I decided to create a game for myself. It’s called the “Eric Mangini Scavenger Hunt.” The rules of the game are simple: look at Alpha Dog’s latest press conference, sort through his answers, and see how many actual pieces of usable information they contain.
Below is my annotated version of the transcript. Press questions are in bold, Alpha’s answers in italics, my comments in plain text. Any time Alpha Dog launched into a passage that was all fluff, I just deleted it. You can find the original, unedited transcript here for comparison’s sake. Trust me, it’s significantly longer.
Like Wario, here I go!
(Opening statement)-
What we’re doing today is working, it’s not truly a Friday schedule from an in-season schedule perspective, meetings and things like that, it’s not following a typical Friday that way. The practice itself will be very similar to a regular season Friday in the sense of the things that we cover. Usually, that’s emphasis on red zone, emphasis on goal line. We tend to do two-minute earlier in the week, just to get a jump on it and also to save legs as you get to Friday. Over the course of my career, I’ve done it both on typical Fridays and on Thursdays. I’ve gravitated more towards Thursday, just to make sure that we have it covered, we’ve been able to analyze it and it’s not crammed in towards the end of the week, but I’ve done it both ways over, however many years it’s been.
“Going into this game, we’ve done some level of game planning, probably not as much as what we’d do, well, definitely not as much as what we’d do during the course of the season, but a little more than we’ve done in the prior two weeks.
It will be good to see how things unfold.
I hope everyone paid attention to that, because it’s the most concentrated burst of factual information you’re going to see for the rest of this press conference. By my count, there’s 8 actual facts in those paragraphs. Soak it up while you can.
(On if Ryan Tucker will practice today and play Saturday)- We’ll see.
(On if Shaun Rogers will practice today and play Saturday)- That whole group of guys, and you’ll find during the course of the season, we always wait until the end of the week to see where guys are. [Insert anecdote about the Jets.]
Translation: I’m not telling you jack sh*t. Instead, I’m going to launch into an anecdote about an inactive player during my previous head coaching job. You’ll feel like I paid a lot of attention to your question, but I really just wanted to screw with you.
(On how he will use the quarterbacks Saturday)- “It’ll be broken up equally, as much as we can. We’ll keep track of the reps, like we do. We’ll keep track of the situations, like we do and try to balance it off. In terms of who’s going to go when, I’ll talk to the quarterbacks about that tomorrow.”
At first, this looks like a fact of some kind. But look at how many times he qualifies it. “It’ll be broken up equally - as much as we can”? Who else is controlling it? Answer: no one. Alpha Dog Scavenger Hunt count still at 8.
(On if the first team will play only the first half)- “No, we’ll probably go into the second half with the first group.”
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and count this as #9. However, you’ve gotta love that he’s still got to mitigate the answer with a “probably.”
(On Floyd Womack and John St. Clair)- I really like both guys.
I can’t justifiably count this, but that has as much to do with the question as with Mangini’s answer. There’s no valuable info that can come out of this.
(On if he anticipates using the final two preseason games to make the decision at quarterback)- “We’ll see where we are after this game. I don’t project ahead.
(On if anything should be read into who starts on Saturday)- “No, I wouldn’t read anything into that, at all.
(On if both quarterbacks will play with the first team)- “Yes, they’ll both work with that group.”
Damn. Fact #10. He didn’t even use a “probably” or “maybe” or my new favorite…
(On if the quarterbacks will rotate throughout the first half)- “We’ll see how it goes, but I imagine you’ll see both of them in the first half.”
(On if he has a set number of plays he wants the starters to play Saturday)- “You look at a range. [Insert non-specific anecdote about coaching with New England]
(On what he is narrowing his focus on in the quarterback competition)- “It’s the same thing that I’ve been looking for throughout this process, is the ability to run the offense most effectively.
I highly recommend looking at Mangini’s full answer to this question. He basically launches into every possible pseudo-specific about what it means to run the offense effectively. It’s a block of text made completely out of air. No reference to who’s doing what better - he doesn’t even mention either quarterback’s name. It’s reall a work of art, especially because he ends the whole thing by saying, “I know it’s a long version of what you asked, but it’s all of those things.” Hilarious.
(On if it is a good thing the quarterbacks have battled so closely)- “I think it’s a really good thing.
(On Braylon Edwards describing Derek Anderson as goofy and if he has any problems with Derek Anderson being loose in the huddle)- “I think whatever description, adjective you want to use, the word goofy, I think of Walt Disney. That’s my frame of reference for goofy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being loose. ..I’ve been described with a lot of different adjectives. Some I’ve liked, some I haven’t liked.”
No commentary needed. That’s just a spectacular non-answer.
(On if he sees Anderson as serious when he needs to be)- “Yes”
#11. But it took 6 questions since #10 to get here.
(On if Nick Mangold started right away in New York)- “Yes, him and Brick (D’Brickashaw Ferguson) both started right away.”
#12. Either he’s losing his touch, or he’s gearing up for another serious run.
(On how Alex Mack compares to Nick Mangold at this point in his rookie season)- “That was four years ago. [Anecdote about Nick Mangold.]
(On if he keeps notes on players and games so that he can go back and look at them)- “I try to look back and see what my thoughts were at the time and see if there are any parallels.
OK, I vote to revoke the press pass of whomever asked this question. However, I love that Mangini uses it as an opportunity to launch into another vacuous anecdote about the 2nd preseason game, including the sentence “I looked at my notes the next day, and they were kind of how I felt.” In other words, “I looked at my notes the next day, and sure enough, they were notes from the previous day.”
(On if this game is a bigger piece of the quarterback competition puzzle than any others)- “I’d say it’s a piece of the puzzle.”
Hands-down my favorite answer of the entire press conference. I didn’t even delete anything! That’s the entire answer!
(On how he feels about playing both quarterbacks during the season)- “I’d never really gone into a game plan where we were going to play both quarterbacks. I’d say the exception may be if you have radically different styles of quarterbacks. You may look at that where, one’s a huge, scrambler, running threat, that type of thing and maybe the other one is more of a pocket passer and you might cater some plays to that guy. We used Brad Smith sometimes in that role, to create more of a run-pass threat. Usually, I’ve gone with one.”
Since everyone in Cleveland who hasn’t been huffing computer cleaner knows that The Great Quinn and DA are perfect foils for one another at QB, this answer is fantastic - especially because it muddies the waters even further.
(On where the tight end position stands after Robert Royal)- We’ll see how it goes.”
(On if he has talked with Ryan Tucker about retirement)- “He and I? No, it hasn’t come up.
Love that he needed to clarify the parties involved in a 2-man discussion.
(On Eric Steinbach)- “What’s been good with Eric is our ability to work him both inside and outside. He’s worked on his hand placement and his footwork and he was starting from a good point there. That’s improved.”
3 facts in the span of one answer…sad. That brings our total to 15. I guess everyone has their moments of weakness.
(On if Steinbach is any bigger)- “He’s comparable to what he came in at, which is where we asked him to be. That’s been good.
There was another game I considered playing: how many times does Alpha Dog use the word “good” in the course of one press conference? Trust me, it’s a lot. Also, I’m not counting this as any kind of factual information. It was a yes or no question, and Mangini’s answer is “he’s comparable.” I’m telling you, this guy is an artist.
(On if he has watched the HBO show Hard Knocks)- “No I haven’t. Is it good?”
(On how is process of cutting players works)- “It could be a little bit different, depending on what the situation is that day. I can tell you, cutting players is not fun.
#16 for the last sentence. So it’s taken him until now to give out as many facts in the Q&A period as he did in his opening remarks.
(On not mentioning Steve Heiden with the tight ends earlier)- “I thought his question was more, after Robert (Royal) and Steve. I must have misunderstood.”
(On if the decision to start Alex Mack or not will be based solely on Mack’s performance)- “You always look at all the players in that spot. It would be in the context of all the players, not just him alone.”
This is another pathetic question. Who the hell evaluates a player in a vacuum without taking into consideration the other guys who could play that position? I’m doubly pissed because the question was so bad that Mangini couldn’t even snake his way around giving an actual answer. #17.
(On if he would ever be open to having his team on Hard Knocks)- “Me, personally, no. It wouldn’t be my first choice.”
Technically, this would be #18. But I refuse to count anything that’s not actually about the team. Which is a fateful decision, considering the theme that’s about to develop…
(On why he would not be open to having his team on Hard Knocks) - “I think everybody has a different approach to it. It’s not really my approach, necessarily. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing it. I think it’s a pretty cool show. I don’t get to catch many episodes of it, but it gives a lot of insight as to what happens. I don’t know what the editing is like. I don’t know any of that stuff. The few episodes I’ve seen, over the years, have been pretty interesting. I like the one they do on boxing, where they follow the boxers. That’s pretty good.”
(On if he thinks he can learn about another team by watching Hard Knocks)- “I’d have to, again, see the episodes to do it. I didn’t put that on my scouting list. It’s a cool show. A lot of the shows that I watch now are, maybe, not as cool unless you’re three and five.”
For the record, that’s 4 total questions that the press core has asked Mangini about a TV show. There were only 32 questions in the press conference. So 1/8 of the press conference was about “Hard Knocks.”
Meanwhile, we here at Jose Mesa Is Dead are writing heavily researched articles about the validity of traditional stats for performance evaluation, trying to debunk the myth that the Indians are disintegrating financially, offering well-reasoned alternative viewpoints on a variety of other topics…and we can’t even get included in the Plain Dealer’s pathetic “Cleveland Sports Blog Round-Up.” Perfect.
(On how Braylon Edwards has been doing) - ”Good. What I liked last game, from him, was the blocking on the perimeter.
I guess this thing about Braylon’s improved blocking is #18.
So let’s recap: by my count, Mangini divulges 18 actual notable facts about the team. 8 of those come during his prepared opening remarks, leaving 10 prompted by actual questions. The press asks him 32 questions total. So if you run the math on that, Alpha Dog doses the media with 1 fact for every 3.2 questions asked. A truly dominant performance.
As I told Mike tonight, I really hope the Browns show improvement this season, because I for one have never gotten this much entertainment out of a football coach before. Long live Alpha Dog!
-T
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