Cavs / Clippers: a Retro Live Blog
I took my maiden journey to Staples Center last night to see our boys play the Clippers. Mesa regular and good friend Holland came along for the ride. I quickly learned that taking notes to do this live blog is a hell of a lot more difficult for a basketball game than a baseball game. Nevertheless, here’s what I managed to record of the experience:
7:20 pm - On the way to our seats, Holland and I pass a guy in the hallway who appears to be rave dancing (I think they use to refer to this style as “liquid”) by himself. All signs pointing to a memorable evening.
7:26 pm - Scoreboard confirms that Chris Kaman will not be playing. Audible groans from all areas of the arena. Meanwhile, the news unsettles me a little given the Cavs’ tendencies against teams missing their stars.
7:29 pm - During shootaround, Darnell Jackson is doing highlight reel dunks, which is almost more surprising than when he hit that 3 pointer earlier this season. Meanwhile, Holland points out that the Clippers’ cheerleaders’ heads are right at Z’s waist. Yeeesssss.
7:32 pm - National anthem sung by a young woman named Natalie Lander. She looks so terrified on the jumbotron that they switch to a graphic of an American flag fluttering in the breeze.
7:33 pm - Jumbotron director tries going back to Lander, but it’s more of the same - so they cut to a close-up of…Ricky Davis? Incidentally, the realization that Ricky Davis is still on their team transfers Lander’s look of terror to the face of every Clippers fan in the building.
7:34 pm - After introducing the Cavs to the “Empire” theme in “Star Wars” (which I’m beginning to think is some kind of league-wide mandate), cue up the Clippers Jumbotron intro.
Holy crap. The Clippers’ Jumbotron intro is MIND-BLOWING! Begins with Dunleavy staring out like Captain Ahab from the bow of a CGI clipper ship in a storm. This is followed by various Clippers players performing sailing duties that are supposed to seem menacing and tough. (Baron Davis, for instance, swings a sword and cuts the rope that unfurls the sail tied up in the mast.)
Somehow this transitions into all of the players developing CGI super powers. Chris Kaman is breathing fireballs. Bully squeezes a basketball until it explodes. I consider making a joke about his knee exploding instead of the ball, but it seems like it’s in poor taste.
Bottom line: this intro is worth the price of admission to the game on its own.
7:35 pm - Prior to tip-off, players greeting each other at halfcourt. Shaq acknowledges Marcus Camby by putting one fist next to his upraised vertical palm and bowing, like a ninja student acknowledging his sensei.
***Note: switching to game clock time for all remaining posts***
11:25 (Q1) - Shaq works into the deep post against DeAndre Jordan and blows a wide open short jump hook. Somehow this looks even more pathetic in person than on TV.
11:01 (Q1) - There’s an LA Metro ad on the scorer’s table, with a gas tank icon next to the word ‘Problem’, then a Metro logo next to the word ‘Solution.’ While arguing a foul call, I realize that Mike Dunleavy is standing directly in front of the gas tank icon, so it looks like the word ‘Problem’ is supposed to caption him as head coach. All of the Clippers fans in the building undoubtedly see this as God’s work.
8:40 (Q1) - JJ does a nice little hand-off pass to Shaq under the basket for a dunk. Holland I are equally concerned that someone has Body-Snatched the real JJ until he whiffs on the hi-five Shaq tries to give him as they’re running back up the floor.
5:16 (Q1) - Cavs seem to be getting their act together after Clippers jumped out to a 10-0 lead. Still down, but they’re within 3 points. However, the lack of a “Diff” on the Staples Center scoreboard forces me to leave the calculator application on my blackberry open for the entire game so I can determine the length of the lead.
0:55 (Q1) - After DeAndre Jordan gets the Clippers an offensive board, Varejao runs by him and just grabs the ball out of his hands like he’s taking a hand-off and streaks down the court. Clippers fans unfamiliar with Andy’s game act like they just saw a man catch a bullet in his teeth.
Cavs are still down, but I feel like the tide is turning.
Between Q1 & Q2 - The first of many ‘Let’s grab some fan out of the stands to compete in an absurd challenge.’ This one involves making a guy with a snow shovel try to transfer as much money as possible from a pile of cash at one foul line into an empty cooler at the opposite one. However much he gets in the cooler, he receives in gas money from Arco.
After he’s done, he’s escorted in front of the camera by a smoking hot Suaszian Clipper cheerleader. This leads Holland and I to discuss how the Clippers should now give the contestant the choice between the money in the cooler or the cheerleader and rebrand the game as “Money or Suasz?”
10:52 (Q2) - Andy chases down another board that no one in the stands except Holland and me would’ve given him a chance on. This leads me to ponder: if you were in a situation where you had to select one player in the NBA to chase down a random loose ball, and if he failed to get the ball you would be fatally shot, would you even consider an alternative besides Andy?
7:12 (Q2) - Delonte makes the back half of pair of free throws despite being mercilessly heckled by superfan “Clipper Darrell” (pictured above). Bron is so excited about this that he nearly walks onto the floor from the bench to congratulate D.
4:42 (Q2) - Official time-out on the floor. Bush’s “Machine Head” blares over the sound system, and the Jumbotron director cuts to a close-up of Billy Crystal. Unclear whether or not there’s supposed to be some kind of relationship between these two things.
3:39 (Q2) - Cavs still down. Shaq steps to the line for his 3rd and 4th free throws of the night. Some woman in the section next to us starts screaming about how Shaq is “a traitor.” You know, because of that time he played for the Clippers.
Shaq sweet-strokes both freebies. He’s now 4/4 from the line on the night. I fear I’m starting to hallucinate.
1:39 (Q2) - Craig Smith (who the announcer name checks as “Rhiiiiiiino - Craig Smith” after every bucket) gets another baseline dunk off a pick-and-roll. This same breakdown in the Cavs defense has now happened about 4 times in the past 4 minutes of game time.
0:47.8 (Q2) - Andy delivers a hard (but clean) foul on Craig Smith going to the hoop for a dunk. Smith lands on his tailbone and everyone in the crowd flips out. Begin 15 seconds of abject terror as I wait to find out whether Andy is going to be ejected from a game where hustle and effort seems to be the Cavs’ problem.
HALFTIME - Cavs down 9. As the teams walk off the floor, I ask Holland whether the halftime show will be dogs chasing down frisbees or some kind of male acrobats contorting themselves into really awkward positions. Turns out that the answer is…The Amazing American Acrobats, a trio of female acrobats who proceed to do the same thing. Show is mostly notable for the Jumbotron director’s decision to try shoot the ladies’ performance as much like a girl-on-girl porno as possible. (Not that I know what one of those looks like, Dad.)
11:48 (Q3) - A very large man is walking very slowly up one of the courtside aisles with his back to us. Holland jokes that it’s Windhorst.
11:43 (Q3) - The same man turns around, and we see a press pass hanging from his neck. He then sits down at a table in front of a laptop with a bunch of other people wearing press passes. We come to the realization that it actually is Windhorst.
7:14 (Q3) – So frustrated by game that I’m starting to look around for other distractions. A glance at Clippers’ bench reveals assistant coach John Lucas standing / pacing a few steps away from Dunleavy. It occurs to me that I have not seen Lucas sit down once this entire game. It’s like he believes that if he just acts like the head coach eventually management and players will be tricked into acknowledging him as head coach. This is the great strategic mind that served the Cavs so well at the beginning of the Lebron era.
7:02 (Q3) - Holland makes a move to the concession stand to try to get beer and nachos. I wonder whether or not he’s goin to make it back before the quarter ends.
6:36 (Q3) – Mo pulls up at the foul line for a jumper in transition. He has now made this shot at least 4 times in this game. It feels like “Groundhog Day.” Cavs still down but showing signs of life.
5:42 (Q3) – Bron splits two defenders for a serious dunk. Clippers have either been given instructions not to attempt to foul him, or they’re just soft.
3:50 (Q3) – Eric Gordon hits what I believe is his 5th three-pointer of the night. He and Rasual Butler behind the arc are giving me flashbacks to the Eastern Conference Finals.
3:08 (Q3) – Cavs trying to make a push but Clips not backing down. Under duress, Bron heaves the ball into the crowd. Hoping this doesn’t open the turnover flood gates.
1:43 (Q3) – After dribbling around like it’s an And 1 video, Lebron is stripped by Eric Gordon down low. This is Bron’s 3rd TO in the past 1:30. He then makes the whole situation worse by fouling Gordon after the steal.
END Q3 – After 3 frustrating quarters, Cavs have cut the lead to 5. Clippers’ promotional team celebrates this by making a couple of jokers run an obstacle course for money. Love it when the bigs take their cues from Arena Football.
10:37 (Q4) - Austin Carr is fond of referring to Z’s pick and pop as “patented,” which is ridiculous. I would argue that if Z’s patented anything on the floor it’s getting called for a moving screen at a critical point in the game. He just executed this special maneuver for the second time this quarter. Cavs still down.
10:08 (Q4) - Holland returns with two beers and an order of nachos. Beers cost $9. Face value on our tickets was $25.
7:06 (Q4) - Holland finishes destroying his plate of nachos. Meanwhile, Cavs have stalled the Clippers’ lead at 5.
6:40 (Q4) - Delonte comes from cross-court to leap in front of Rasual Butler for a highlight reel steal. Cavs come down and get a bucket in transition to give the Cavs a one point lead!
6:18 (Q4) - Unbelievable. Ricky Davis comes down the floor and nails a three pointer to put the Clips back up by 2. Incidentally, Davis is 2 of 2 from distance tonight. This feels like a bad dream.
5:20 (Q4) - Mo hits the same transition jumper from the foul line to tie the game back up. Also, for the 12th time tonight, the auto-correct feature on my blackberry changes Mo’s name to “month.”
3:55 (Q4) - Andy gets hammered underneath the basket, no call. Eric Gordon drives on the opposite end, and the ref blows an immediate whistle after a weak reach-in. I complain about this aloud until I realize how insane it is for me to act like I can judge foul calls four rows from the top of the arena.
2:40 (Q4) - Delonte in for a put-back to give the Cavs the lead again! He’s playing great tonight.
2:23 (Q4) - Clippers call a time-out. Jumbotron informs us that the guy in the earlier promo game shoveled himself $1,365 in gas from Arco. Not bad but he still should’ve taken the Suasz.
0:55 (Q4) - Cavs miss a shot that would’ve lengthened the lead, but Mo chases down the loose ball and saves it while jumping over the front row of seats. Cavs recover. Cavs call time-out. Mo walks down the aisle and decides to make Billy Crystal give up his seat to let him back onto the court. May have had to sing him “Machine Head” to make him move. Unclear.
0:54 (Q4) - Of course, Cavs botch the entry pass. Delonte throws it over Bron’s head leading to a Clippers lay-up attempt that is…missed! Cavs still up 1.
0:09 (Q4) - With clock running down, Anthony Parker misses a wide-open 3 from the corner. I make a note to check his “clutch stats” when I get home, because I feel like he may be the worst shooting option on the team in late-game situations.
0:06.7 (Q4) - Clippers get the rebound, call a time-out. Cavs up 1. Holland and I agree that we’re glad the Clippers don’t have any players from the D-league on their roster.
0:03 (Q4) - Baron Davis heaves an off-balance three with two hands in his face. Not even close. Cavs win!
Meanwhile, Rasual Butler was 12-18 on the night. Eric Gordon was 11-16. In fact, the only two Clippers player who shot worse than 50% were Sebastian Telfair (0-1) and…Baron Davis, who was 3-9 before chucking that one up. Nevertheless, Dunleavy made him the FIRST OPTION on that inbounds play. Truly classic.
Cavs end the road trip 3-2 and will play three consecutive home games this week for the first time in as long as anyone can remember. We’ll see if the train can keep on rolling.
-T
